By Charlene Bazarian

If you’ve ever caught yourself staring across the room at your partner wondering where that spark of desire went, you are most certainly not alone. Life piles on: demanding careers, endless family logistics, the quiet emotional weight we carry without even naming it. Over time, what once felt electric can slip into something safer, more routine and can feel like two people running a household together instead of chasing curiosity and connection side by side. Dr.

Anna Elton, a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified clinical sexologist, dives straight into this quiet shift in her new book, The Formula of Desire: What Brings Us Together and Drives Us Apart, and the Science of Connection (New Harbinger, 2026). Blending decades of hands-on work with couples, cutting-edge insights from psychology, neuroscience, and attachment research, she unpacks exactly why attraction fades in long-term relationships despite underlying loving feelings and more importantly, she shares how to reignite emotional and physical intimacy with intention. I recently sat down with Dr. Elton to explore what really changes desire over time, how our everyday habits quietly shape or sabotage closeness, and the practical steps couples can take to feel like romantic partners again, not just roommates who care.

Charlene:

Many people say that over time couples become more like roommates than romantic partners.

In your book The Formula of Desire, you explore why that happens. Is this something you hear often?

Anna:

Very often. In fact, one of the most common things I hear from couples in therapy is, “We love each other, but we feel more like roommates.” Early in a relationship there is novelty, curiosity, flirtation, and anticipation. Over time those are replaced by routines, responsibilities, work stress, and parenting.

Couples often become excellent teammates in running a household, but they stop nurturing the romantic and erotic parts of the relationship.

Charlene:

So, the relationship becomes functional, but less exciting?

Anna:

Exactly. Couples often become great partners in logistics but lose the elements that sustain desire. In The Formula of Desire, I describe this shift as moving from romantic allies to roommates. The good news is that it means that the conditions that support attraction need to be rebuilt.

Charlene:

What kinds of conditions support desire?

Anna:

Desire thrives in environments where people feel emotionally connected, appreciated, and desired by their partner.

It also depends on novelty, playfulness, and attention. When couples are constantly distracted or overwhelmed by stress, those experiences disappear. Reintroducing them can dramatically change how partners experience each other.

Charlene:

Many women describe feeling emotionally overloaded in their relationships, especially while juggling work, family, and personal responsibilities.

How does that emotional load affect desire?

Anna:

Emotional load plays a significant role in long-term relationships. Many partners, particularly women, are carrying an invisible list of responsibilities in their minds all day. It’s not just the physical tasks like getting the kids to practice or remembering appointments. It’s also anticipating needs, managing emotions in the household, and keeping the family functioning smoothly.

That constant mental management creates a background level of stress. And stress is one of the strongest suppressors of desire. When someone feels overwhelmed or mentally exhausted, their brain prioritizes problem-solving and responsibility over intimacy and connection.

Charlene:

It sounds like the issue is not necessarily attraction, but exhaustion?

Anna:

Exactly. Many couples interpret the absence of desire as a lack of attraction, when in reality it’s often a reflection of emotional overload.

When partners feel supported and emotionally connected, their nervous system relaxes. That shift creates space for intimacy to return.

Charlene:

In your book you introduce something called the Relationship Shift Model. What does that describe?

Anna:

The Relationship Shift Model explains how couples gradually move through three emotional zones over time. Most relationships begin in what I call the Positive Zone, where connection feels easy and partners naturally express affection, curiosity, and appreciation toward each other.

As life becomes more demanding, many couples drift into the Neutral Zone. They are still functioning as a team. They manage the household, coordinate schedules, and handle responsibilities together. But the emotional warmth and playfulness that once existed becomes less frequent.

If that pattern continues without intentional effort, couples can eventually slide into the Negative Zone, where misunderstandings, resentment, and emotional distance start to dominate interactions. What’s important to understand is that this shift usually happens gradually and unintentionally. Couples rarely wake up one morning and decide to become distant. It happens slowly through small changes in communication, attention, and daily habits.

Charlene:

One thing many readers might recognize is that conversations in long-term relationships often become very practical.

Is that part of the shift you’re describing?

Anna:

Yes, and it’s one of the most common patterns I see. Over time, conversations that were once curious and personal become almost entirely transactional. Instead of asking questions like “How are you feeling?” or “What excited you today?”, partners begin talking primarily about logistics. Who is picking up the kids, what needs to be bought at the store, what time the meeting starts tomorrow.

Those conversations are necessary, but if they become the only type of communication, the relationship slowly loses the emotional layer that sustains connection and desire.

Charlene:

If couples recognize themselves in that pattern, what are the first steps they can take to shift things back in a positive direction?

Anna:

Many couples are still doing things that are kind, supportive, or thoughtful for each other, but those moments go unnoticed. Over time partners begin to focus more on what isn’t happening rather than what is. The first step is very simple. Start noticing what is going well.

If your partner makes dinner, helps with something around the house, sends a supportive message, or simply shows patience during a stressful moment, pause and make a mental note of it. Then say it out loud. Something as simple as “I really appreciated that you handled that today” or “Thank you for helping with that earlier” can make a significant difference.

Charlene:

That sounds almost too simple, is it?

Anna:

It does sound simple, but small acknowledgments are incredibly powerful.

In psychology we know that negative interactions tend to have a stronger emotional impact than positive ones. That means couples often need many small positive moments to balance out even a few negative experiences. When partners begin expressing appreciation again, it gradually shifts the emotional climate of the relationship.

Charlene:

Are there other small shifts couples can make?

Anna:

Another helpful shift is intentionally reintroducing curiosity into conversations. Instead of defaulting to logistics, partners can ask open-ended questions that reconnect them as individuals.

For example:

• “What was the most interesting part of your day today?”
• “What has been on your mind lately?”
• “What’s something you’re looking forward to this week?”

These questions remind partners that they are not just managing life together. They are also two people who are still evolving, learning, and experiencing the world. That sense of curiosity was present early in the relationship and reintroducing it can bring back some of the emotional energy that fuels attraction.

Charlene:

It sounds like restoring desire often starts outside the bedroom.

Anna:

Absolutely. Desire is rarely rebuilt through pressure or obligation.

It tends to grow when partners feel emotionally connected, appreciated, and interested in each other again. When couples shift from purely transactional communication back toward emotional connection and curiosity, the relationship often begins to feel lighter and more engaging. From there, intimacy can return more naturally.

It’s also helpful for couples to understand that desire doesn’t always appear in the same way. In relationship science, we often talk about spontaneous desire and responsive desire.

Spontaneous desire is the type many people associate with the early stages of dating. It feels like desire appears suddenly, almost out of nowhere. Responsive desire, on the other hand, tends to emerge after emotional closeness, affection, or physical touch has already begun.

Many people assume something is wrong with their relationship when spontaneous desire becomes less frequent. But for many couples, especially in long-term partnerships, responsive desire becomes the more common pathway to intimacy.

What’s interesting, though, is that spontaneous desire was rarely as spontaneous as we remember. Early in relationships, couples actually put a great deal of effort into creating the conditions for that “spontaneous” moment. Think about the beginning of a relationship. Partners plan dates, choose what to wear, flirt, send messages during the day, build anticipation, and create an atmosphere where attraction can grow.

What we often remember as spontaneous was actually carefully orchestrated connection and attention. In long-term relationships, that effort often disappears. Partners are busy managing work, family responsibilities, and daily logistics. The romantic setup that once created those sparks quietly fades.

Reintroducing small moments of attention, curiosity, and emotional connection helps recreate those conditions again. And when that happens, desire, whether spontaneous or responsive, has a much easier time returning.

Charlene:

For readers who want to better understand the state of their relationship, is there a way to measure it?

Anna:

In my book The Formula of Desire, I introduce the Relational Desire Score, which helps couples evaluate the overall health of their connection. It looks at several dimensions that influence desire in long-term relationships, including emotional connection, communication, affection, stress, and whether partners feel desired by each other. I often explain it to clients as being similar to a credit score for your relationship.

It offers a snapshot of where things are strong and where attention may be needed. Readers can take the free Relational Desire Score assessment at www.theformulaofdesire.com, which offers a snapshot of relationship health similar to a credit score.

The site also includes the Currency of Desire assessment, along with articles, educational animations, and practical exercises based on the frameworks from the book. Readers of The Formula of Desire also gain access to the Desire Lab, an online resource center with more than sixty worksheets, exercises, and psychoeducational tools designed to help couples apply the ideas in everyday life.

The next time you are staring across the room at your partner, remember that rebuilding desire isn’t about grand gestures. It’s like any good workout: consistent, intentional effort that gets easier and more rewarding over time.

With tools like the Relational Desire Score and the practical steps Dr. Elton shares, couples can move from feeling like roommates back to romantic allies who truly see and want each other. Your relationship deserves that kind of investment!

You can follow Dr. Anna Elton on Facebook at @drannaelton, on Instagram at @DrAnnaElton, and on X at @drannaelton.

About the author:

Charlene Bazarian is a fitness and weight loss success story after losing 96 pounds.

She mixes her no-nonsense style of fitness advice with humor on her blog at Fbjfit.com and on Facebook at FBJ Fit, Instagram @FBJFit and X @FBJFit.

Disclaimer
The Content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.